Home > Reflections > Losing My Virginity

Losing My Virginity- (Metaphorically!)

November 8, 2016

You see? I'm stupid. No no, I really am. What did Einstein say?
    “Stupidity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”

Probably Einstein didn't say such a thing; and okay, so that is not stupidity but insanity. Still, whatever...

Again, you see? I do the same thing with different people. So expecting a different result should be logical. Yet somehow, whoever I interact with seems to just exploit my goodwill and that's it. Nobody feels thankful and/or shows a bit of responsibility. Did people really degenerate so much? Or is it because I am getting old and have had my share of accumulation of bad experiences?

I guess I see it as keeping my innocence, I insist on keeping my innocence. But I've been raped so many times, I cannot keep my virginity. I've lost it. That's what I don't seem to understand. Still, my mind refuses to give in, I want to trust people, I want to go on living with trust, the contrary is torture for me. I cannot suspect everybody. I cannot live the way Israelis live, opening up every piece of luggage, going through every single item, scanning your socks, breads, canned food while you are leaving their country. I cannot even stand the security searches at any other airport. I cannot even stand the metal detectors at the entrance of shopping malls. I try to avoid such places like the plague. This, living with suspicion and fear all your life is worse than being blown up to pieces. For me, it is. I guess nobody in his right mind dare say I would want any harm to myself or to my beloveds. Still, this cannot be the way to security.

Why Did I do It?

Why did I do it? There are a couple of reasons I suppose.
    First of all, I'm a traveller. I trust people. I believe travellers need to trust people. Otherwise, travelling while being afraid of people, afraid of everybody around you all the time would be torture. I've stayed in people's houses, I've hosted people I didn't know.
    Second, I am a utilitarian. I don't want that house to be empty. I believe it's a shame there are people living out in the cold when there are houses lying unused. I want things to be used. I bought that house to be used too. I wanted my friends and acquaintances to come over and enjoy it.
    Third, perhaps it is a need, a need to have someone in my life. A friend that I can talk to. I do this with every person I meet. I see them as friends. Just like children. What do children do when they see other children? They go and say “Let's be friends.” And voila, they are friends. I need a friend. Just like my daughter. She needs a friend. She needs someone to play with. She longs for one. I long for someone I can talk with too. Apart from my husband that is. On the other hand, I'm aware, I am the one who asked for this. I was saying “I just want one person in my life, that's enough.” Apparently, it wasn't so enough. It could have been if I had my family, or I lived in the city so that I saw a couple of faces when I went out. But I am here, stuck in the countryside. It was a conscious choice. Probably a very good choice for someone like me. I am perfectly fine in my small world of 3+1. I no longer wish to have contact with anybody. That way I avoid disappointments.

And What Exactly Did I Do?

I gave the key of my summer house to a “friend.” He was not a real friend as in friend. I had just met him on the beach once. Lara had gone over to talk to his niece. She normally does not go near other children out of her own accord. She says to me "Let's go up to them." And I generally say "You go." This was the first girl she went up to by herself. I had watched the girl's mother from afar and had liked her. And I had thought this guy was the father. It turned out that he was the uncle. He had a daughter of the same age but was divorced. That evening, he came over for a visit. We had a chat for a couple of hours. I did most of the talking as I feel uneasy with strangers and do not like silence. Anyway, he said they'd be coming the next day with the niece to play with Lara. But he didn't show up. Lara kept asking about the girl, she was disappointed. A couple of days later, the guy turned up. He said there was a fire in his factory, he had to cut his vacation short and return to Ankara. Okay.
    But he wanted to come back, as he had liked Kaş a lot and was considering buying a piece of land or a house and settling there. He said he'd be coming and didn't come. He said he'd be coming and didn't come. He did this five times. Did I care? No. He wasn't anyone special to me, I had my own life going.
      I had told him he could come and stay even if we weren't there. He said he wouldn't do that, he didn't like travelling alone. In the end, he didn't come when we were there. Then we returned here to Italy. He finally put things in order at work and took time off. He said "I'd like to stay at your house if it's fine with you."
     I said "Okay. Go and stay."
     He said he'd be staying a couple of days. Then what happened? He said as he wasn't in a hurry to go back to work, he would stay for a week. Okay. Then he said he had rented a boat, was going out fishing every day and it was fun. So he was to stay some more time. One more week. Okay. Then he said he was planning to settle in Kaş, the owner of the house he was looking at would be coming end of October, we also had the big Republic Day celebration, he said he'd be staying until then and leave. Okay. But at this point, I thought it had been too long. I was over the limits of my hospitality. Especially as he had never called me up to inform me, to update me about the situation in the house or his stay. I was always the one to call and ask how things were going, if all was ok. As we had sort of started this on a friendly basis, I couldn't ask for money from him. Yet, he was using the house, there would be the utility bills to pay etc. This time I told him “Please give a certain amount of money you see fit for your stay to a charity, to children or women.” He was “Ah now I respect you so much more,” bla bla bla.
    Time passed again. What happened when the date showed the day he said he would be leaving? Nothing. I waited a day, I waited one more day. No word. So I was going to send him an sms. When I saw him online on WhatsApp (That's what's bad about some applications, you see if people have read your messages etc.), I called him. He didn't answer. Okay. He might have been exchanging messages with someone else. I waited him to return my call. Did he? No. In the afternoon, I sent him an sms asking him to call me. Did he? No. This time, I started getting really bothered. Who was this guy? Was he a cheat? Was he a swindler? After all, I knew nothing about him except his name and cell phone number. How did I know he really had a factory?
    At night, I called him again. No answer. I was, by this time, cursing myself for doing a person I didn't know, and for whom I could care less, a favor. Carlo didn't say much but he was critical of me too. He said I should tell him that another guest of mine was coming and ask him to leave the house. I said “Why should I be lying? I tell people openly. No need for pretense.” So the next day I sent him another sms “You know I don't want you in my house any longer, right?”
    In the evening he turned up. Not with a call but with an sms: “What did I do to deserve this now? I'm in Meis. I'll be calling you when I get back.”
    “When are you coming back?”
    “I don't know. As I fancy.”
    “Why didn't you answer my calls yesterday?”
    “I was with a friend. I was very busy.”

At this point, I said: “Let's see if I got you right? You are on vacation. You are staying in the house of a person who has seen you once and does not know anything about you. Yet, this person has opened up her house to you. You are staying for free. You have said you'd be staying 3-5 days and it has been three weeks. You do not feel any responsibility to inform this person. This person calls you, you have the phone in your hand, but you don't answer. I mean you had the phone, unless your girl-friend was nosing into it. This person sends a message, you don't bother to answer that either. She calls you again, you still don't care. This person lives miles away, her hands are tied, she has no idea what's going on over there. You do not think if she needs anything. When you finally answer you say you are very busy. Let me repeat. All this time, you are on vacation! And you don't understand what you did to deserve this behavior!
    In my dictionary, you call this exploitation of goodwill and irresponsibility. I had told that I cannot stand people who do not take their word seriously. You are exactly that type of person.”

The next day he wrote:
    “I don't like it that you treat me as if you are my mother. I'm back in Kaş, but I'm not staying at your place. Trust me a little bit. I'm a good friend. You make me sad with every message.”

So I was the guilty one now! It's just so classic! So so classic! I know this type of person so very well. The one who thinks it's only him in the world, has no consideration for others... But you are the one, ahh, making them sad! I really feel like saying “Go to HELL” to these people. He may be the best person in the world in all other respects, if someone doesn't keep his word, I don't want anything to do with him/her. Ever!
    I should be trusting him. What for? Did he do anything to give me trust, to earn my trust? No.
    Then he says “You wouldn't have given me your house keys had I not given you trust.”
    Aaaah! Does he think so??? I wouldn't have given my house keys to him had I not been the MOST STUPID PERSON IN THE WORLD TO TRUST EVERYBODY! I trust everybody until they prove they don't deserve my trust. I shouldn't have trusted him. I keep giving people the benefit of the doubt. No. There should be no place for benefit of the doubt for people who do not keep their words. One failure, finished. Cross them out. That's it. Maybe, only maybe, if you believe there is a slightest chance they may deserve it, you may give them a second chance. But definitely not a third. No. KEEP YOUR WORD OR KEEP OUT OF MY LIFE. That's what I should be doing with everybody.

And such people. As if he has any right to put someone who has done him a favor through such stress! And he says he is angry at me! He is the one angry! He believes he has a right to be angry! Oh how I wish he was here and I could just punch him in the face! I cannot even talk and shout my anger at him, it's just so upsetting.

Now it's been four weeks and plus... No word. He doesn't answer my phone calls. I am just left here. My hands tied. I have to ask a friend to go and change the locks. Paolo doesn't answer too. What do I do?

Then the guy says “The key is in Paolo's hands tomorrow,” and specifies “In the morning.”
    Forget about the morning, do you think the key was in Paolo's hand the next day? No. The following day? No. The day after? No.
    So I send another sms. “Did you ever, once in your life, do anything that came out of your mouth?”
    I should have just held myself from writing anything to him, I should have known better: The more I deal or interact with such ASSHOLES the more upset I become.
    “Why are you angry at me? I'm not in Kaş. I'm very busy. I'll be leaving the key when I get back. Why the anger?”

Yeah, he'll be leaving the key when he gets back. Whenever that is, we don't know. What do I care? Is it my house? Oh yes it is. But does he care? No. If I need anything? So what?
    Yes, why the anger? Yeah, why am I angry, right? He has done nothing wrong. He is just so innocent. He just got my key and went away without any idea when he'd be giving it. What's the problem? I am the asshole who just gets angry over nothing.
    Oh the insolence... The brazenness... I just want to puke when I see his messages.
    I cannot stand people who cannot look at themselves in the mirror.

He probably is not a swindler. He probably is who he said he is. The only son of a rich family. A spoiled brat who has no consideration for others in the world, thinks he is the center of the universe. He kept calling me “mama”, I wish I could talk to his mother and ask her how she raised such a son.

I was angry at myself. I shouldn't have given my place for free to someone who has money. Had I given it to a poor person and had he not left the house or misbehaved the way this guy did, I at least could have said “Ah, they are poor, they need the money, they need the house.” I could have accepted it. Carlo says the behavior would have been the same, therefore deserving the same reaction. I don't tend to agree on that. A poor person you may understand. I may understand. I cannot accept a rich person's exploitation. And of course, the irresponsibility of a person to whom you have done a favor.

Who Not To Interact With?

I have had disappointments all my life. The big publisher of my travel book did not pay my royalty on time. I wrote a children's book, got my royalty after almost literally having to beg for it. Then I heard that they had not paid in the artist who illustrated the book either and the artist was in need. So I gave half of my royalty to her as a sign of solidarity. I told her she'd pay me back when she was paid. Did she pay me when the publisher paid her money? No. Did she come back to me saying she couldn't pay? No. Did she answer me when I waited and waited and finally asked for it? No. Did she go on a summer vacation when she still owed me money and did not pay? Yes. Did she pay my money in the end, after a year had passed? Yes. Did she thank me? No. Was she grateful that I saved her loads of interest that she would have had to pay had she borrowed that money from a bank? Again no. On the contrary, guess what? I was the guilty one. She blamed me. I was the bad person!

So whenever you do anybody any good and they say they are going to pay you back and they do not, you are supposed to just shut up and wait! Wait for them to come back to you, whenever they feel like it. You are not supposed to hassle anybody to keep their word. No no no! That's a big NO. NOOOO...

Beforehand, I was thinking... “I guess this must be so common, I don't believe I am jinxed.” But now, I've opted out of that explanation. I seriously must have done something very very wrong in a previous life and now I am being punished for it. I must have committed a big crime. I don't know what it is and I would like to know. I'll be looking for someone who can tell me. I'm not even sure I believe in re-incarnation but there is no other logical explanation. People all cannot be a..holes. And I know that I didn't do anybody any wrong in this life that would deserve such a punishment. So it must have been a previous life.

I gave my friend, but this was a real friend, someone whom I had called “my best friend” for ten years, someone with whom we shared so many things, someone with whom I talked almost every day... I gave this friend my car. I handed it over to her, without getting any legal document when and how much she'd be paying. Mistake. She had taken in a lover. A man who had left her many years ago and who had come back to her having divorced, having gone bankrupt, destitute and a bit creepy, someone who had lost all sense of touch with reality, someone with whom you couldn't keep up a decent conversation. My friend knew. That's why she didn't take him out with her when she met her friends.
    He was actually the one who had wanted the car, not that my friend would use it. She didn't even know how to drive and was not interested in going out into the İstanbul traffic. Guess what? I'm sorry to say it but this is the only way I can say it. She “stole” the car. She had first said “Ah but I had to have my cats sterilized, I cannot do it at the free municipality vet, I feel as if they are my children, that's why I couldn't pay you before.” And then, she completely ignored it. Not paying a cent! I guess she figured out she charged me that as her legal services as a lawyer. Totally disregarding the fact that we had made a mutual agreement on whatever we did, she had no right to just change it without my approval. She also totally disregarded the fact that she made loads of money off of me, and that I would not have gone on with legal procedures had I known I was to pay that price; she ignored all my expensive gifts and dinners to at least show my gratitude. Plus, leaving me a huge lawyer fee that I had to pay to the opposite party because of her legal mistake. That's what you call a friend!
    And I had bought that car for her from my mother. I had paid for it out of my own pocket. I thought she was a friend of mine. It hurts. Hurts so much.

So here is my advice after all this experience:

1- Don't do any favors to people who have money. They have the money, they have the means to pay for any services they wish. Let others make money from them.

2- Don't ever ever get involved with people who have got themselves in credit card debt or any form of bank loan. These people do not know how to live within their means and they are never going to learn. They are never going to cover their asses, they are never going to pay you back. I mean they might, but buckle up for a long long haul.

3- Don't ever give your boyfriend or any friend anything, don't loan, don't help. It only ends up ruining your friendship, relationship. Don't. Don't ever do it.
    On one hand, it could be said that it shows you the real face of people. Perhaps it's best not to be friends with such people anyway. Still... It hurts. It hurts so much.

Advice for myself: Innocence has died a long time ago. Accept you have lost your virginity and are never gaining it back!