Trying to keep My Sanity
in A Mad World
“There is a saying, do you know?" asked my friend. "The disclosure of it, is worse than the occurrence of it."
“Of course not!” I said. “I do not know of such sayings.” She should have known that.: that was not a saying for me. If there has been an occurrence, I do not see why there should not be disclosure. If there is something that its disclosure is not wished, it should not occur in the first place!
She was angry at me like this once before. Because I told her what I thought of her boyfriend. I wish I had not. It's not a crime to think, it's a crime to say what you think. A murder sort of. You may think of killing someone, as long as you do not put it into action. The action is the crime. Agreed to that.
However some continue the logic like this: Talking is an action too. Thus, it's a crime too.
As long as you do not state it, you may think the most awful things about a person. As long as s/he doesn't know. You may look at the eyes of the person you call “my best friend”, while radiating fake smiles to her boyfriend.
“Nopes, there is no way I can understand this my dear, sorry,” I told my friend. I could not think of one single thing that I'd be angry at her for telling me and ask “Why did you tell me?” Apart from lying that is. I expect a person I call a friend to be open with me. I would get angry only for “Why didn't you tell me?”
Obviously, I was not the right person for her either. She did not wish for someone to tell her a frank view, she wished for someone to calm her down when she was angry at her boyfriend. That's what she told me. “I am caught up in my anger, I wish to get out of that state, I wish my friend to lead me to logic,” she said. Yeah, but to me, logic was saying that she should leave that guy. Funny though. I later would hold her as the responsible for making me stay with an intolerable man. When I was angry at him, she defended him. And I kept thinking I was the wrong one. That I needed to tolerate that man. I kept that malignant relation far too long. Just because of my friend.
So she expected me to make calculations and hide the necessary things from her. I am not that person. I'm sorry.
I don't have such relations in my life. (And I don't want them.) I have no obligation to look at the faces of people I detest in the name of politeness/manners and “manage” people with political maneuvers. Good thing I don't. I wouldn't be able to do it anyway. I couldn't do it, and that's why I broke away from that world. From that world which suffocated me.
What was my friend punishing me for now? Because I told her something that had occurred? My fault/sin was that??! Seriously, what a big crime.: I cannot understand. Where is that law written? “I didn't know that there was such an article in the friendship code book, I am innocent oh judge. I ask for my exoneration.”
Yes, you are right. There is no such thing as “I did not know the law.” But my dear, sorry Mr. Prosecutor, sorry Miss Prosecutor... My dear friend, a law has to be endowed with some reason. I mean there is such a thing called “common sense”. I cannot know everything in such detail. It's the first time I hear that there is a punishment for telling the truth! Apperantly, there can be such a thing. Whereas I grew up thinking it was a crime to lie, I've come to my 40's with this belief. May such ignorance be condemned!
Let alone lying, I thought the biggest sin was not being as you seemed or not seeming as you were. I now understand I was wrong.
Looks like everybody knows, apart from me/
Even though it writes differently in the courtesy handbook/
In today's social decorum laws, fake smiles are gathered under the topic “pink” lies.
Fake CD's, fake products may be unlawful but radiating fake smiles is not illicit, it's not even licit, it is “acquire merit.”
Fake smiles rule.
The road to happiness passes from them. Peace resides on that road.
Welcome to the parade of Fake Smiles. We promise you a life full of fun and bliss. The only rule you need to abide by is... You need to follow this road, go straight. Don't dare to turn to the Truth Street. You come across it rarely anyway, the street is deserted too. The devil has the best tunes, don't yield to temptation and say “Let me have a peek there too.” Your eyes will be plucked. Don't say I didn't warn you. I did.
“Why?” you may ask.
Because “The residents/inhabitants of Fake Smiles Street do not like those who stray to the Truth Street. And they are crowded. You wouldn't have the strength to resist.”
Mevlana Celaleddin Rumi has said it wrong,
if you by mistake be as you seem, or seem as you are,
it will be your curse.
It's human to err. And Rumi was human. So he erred.
You happened to speak the truth, you'd wish you hadn't! You have given people a gun to distress you. Mother, sister, friend and foe... all have separate judgements. You are sure to bump into one/ Explodes the mine.
- Run, run. These are “pink lies.” Just like “pink balloons.” They're about to be sold out.
Of course this is a lie too, of the pink sort. Don't ever believe it. Just make as if you did.
The white, the pink, even including the black, all kinds of lie is plenty in man's stock, so plenty as to ever sell out.
There is also a list of “things that need to be kept secret” for almost every personal/private thing in today's social decorum handbook. When I say personal/private don't think it refers to personal/private life. The main rule is not to say anything that does not need to be said. That is, to make as superficial and artificial talks as is possible. That is the craft/art. The longer you can keep up such dialogues the higher you climb up in the business world.
And the more peace you'll find among “family” and “friend” circles. Eh, after all, we live in society, there are certain necessities of social life. You need to obey.
Avoid the truth and reality like the plague. Stay away from soap and water my little one. We were thought that it was good to be clean, nowadays the experts say “Oh there are bacterias, viruses... Oh there is the bird-flu, the swine-flu, there is the wolf-sheep flu etc.” and they suggest we wash our hands. Don't listen to them. Do not mix water and soap. Do NOT share your inner life with neither mother nor father, neither friend nor the one you call “my closest.” The moment you share it, they pull you up the rope.
The noose on your neck,
gets tightened so quick,
you wouldn't even get to see the gallows.
Do NOT ever share with anybody.: your inner world. Keep the voices in your head to yourself. Or put it on paper. Paper is your only loyal pal. It's the only real pal that will keep by your side.
"Either be as you seem, or seem as you are.”
The only place you may seem as you are is paper. Paper but what kind of paper? The classic paper you know -either your diary, or a book. Literature is the only media that allows you to say all kinds of truths. It hides and protects you from people's wrath.
But sometimes even it.: can't do that. People take pleasure in attacking. Is there no excuse for the one who has the intention? They'll find it, don't worry.
Ayşe had not been dyeing her hair for a long time. Her hair had grown quite white. Her mother commented on it when she was in Rome, she wouldn't lose a chance. “You look old,” she kept telling Ayşe.
Ayşe meant to do henna but she couldn't stay home, and when she could, there were the workers, she just didn't get the chance. Finally, when they went to her mother-in-law, she commented too. The next morning, looking in the mirror, Ayşe told Angelo:
“You know what? It may be stupid but I like the whites in my hair.”
"Mmmh, yes. I have to admit it has a strange attractiveness.”
“Does it make me seem old?”
Angelo, her always polite husband, contented saying “You don't show your age.” Of course, Angelo had said this not in the sense “You look younger than you are” but in the sense “You look older than you are.”
Ayşe smiled. She did not need to think even for a second to reply. “What?! I show my age. All those women dyeing their hair... They are the ones giving you a wrong impression about age!”
She did not need to explain more. Angelo knew what Ayşe said was true. Just like everybody does. Still, Ayşe added: “Actually, among the women I know, I am the one with the least whites. All my other friends have all their hair white.”
"Either be as you seem, or seem as you are.”
Actually the problem is only on one side of this sentence. The fact that people are not as they seem is a given, everybody has accepted that as 'de facto' anyway. Those who seem as they are are punished. They are the ones at fault. Why would anybody seem as s/he is? Why would s/he want such a thing? .:When we may live happily with lies and trickery... .:why should we deal with the realities?
Unfortunately, most realities are ugly. That's the main reason why people do not wish to seem as they are. Like the whitening of the hair. People brand/stamp whites as ugly and try to darken them.
Unfortunately, it's not only physical; man is a spiritually/morally ugly creature as well... There lies an ugliness in all of us. The talent/art is to be able to hide it. Just like we hide our white hairs.
My friend was telling me... “Huh, you think that your white hair is not ugly? You don't shy away from exposing yourself because it never occurs to you that you have anything bad inside? You are wrong. You are ugly. You are ugly like your white hairs.”
Whereas I could not see anything bad or wrong in what I did. I mean nothing at all. Perhaps one day I get why she is so angry and upset. But that day is not today. I wish that that day never comes. Such a day that I will justify or advocate the lie, the secrecy.
Özdemir Asaf had said it,
"If you want lies, I'll tell you lies, don't go Lavinia.”
I couldn't see the divination.
I didn't tell lies, my daughter went away...
Perhaps she deserved much better than this world.
She didn't want lies, she left.
Do it, do whatever you want. Do whatever will make you feel at ease. Why would you torture your soul in this ephemeral world? It's not worth it. Nothing's worth it.
There is death in this world.
The rest is a lie.
The world is a lie.